Another divorce??

[heres2u]

Thanks

[leeleemom]

Well I am divorced and we had so many problems. He didn't treat me well at all. I didn't love him anymore. I could not imagine the rest of my life being that unhappy. It took me a long time to get the nerve to end it but it was the best thing for me and my children. I will never regret it and I am happy now and I know my children see that.

[FutureChief88]

Its better to have 2 content parents seperated than 2 parents miserable together.. IMO.

[kaj27]

Like everything else in life, people rush. They rushed themselves into marriage. Not knowing the person you are suppose to spend your life with is just idiocy.

[leeleemom]

Like everything else in life, people rush. They rushed themselves into marriage. Not knowing the person you are suppose to spend your life with is just idiocy.

I am sorry but that statement is idiocy! If you have ever been in any kind of serious relationship that has not worked out then you should know that people change. Life changes. A lot of people get into relationships and really do feel they are the one for them. I was with my ex for 7 years before we got married! Makes no difference how long you are with someone they can still turn out to not be the person you thought they were!

One thing you are right about is that people do rush a lot more now a days . But then again people don't just stay together for the kids like they used to years ago!

[mizunderstood]

I think some of it might have to do with finding yourselves. I mean you get married at 20, you don't know who you are, what you want out of life where you want to go with your life. At 30 you have better plans or ideas and you realize that person you married at 20 was not mr right rather he was mr right now. I think divorce is soooo easy and there is very little stigma now a days that its almost expected to happen at least once in your life. I was always the odd ball in school because my parents were still married. It's strange. My hubby was married at 21, seperated at 22. In his case it was cheating. He caught his wife in their bed with another man. There are a million reasons why people divorce. I think its just times have changed and we change with them. Lets go back to the times were you got a divorce and you were disowned by the community, family church etc. See what happens with the stats..I heard that the divirce rate is over 50% for first marriages, and second marriages are even higher rates... I think people carry too much baggage into the second marriges from the first one and that might be a reason for mor failed marriages. I don't know just thinking out loud.. :)

[kaj27]

I am sorry but that statement is idiocy! If you have ever been in any kind of serious relationship that has not worked out then you should know that people change. Life changes. A lot of people get into relationships and really do feel they are the one for them. I was with my ex for 7 years before we got married! Makes no difference how long you are with someone they can still turn out to not be the person you thought they were!

One thing you are right about is that people do rush a lot more now a days . But then again people don't just stay together for the kids like they used to years ago!


But I said not knowing the person, Clearly you didn't know him. Hench you rushed yourself.

[leeleemom]

But I said not knowing the person, Clearly you didn't know him. Hench you rushed yourself.

I did know who he pretended to be. He was not the person I thought! I did not rush myself at all! We went out for 7 years before we got married and were married for 7 before I ended it. I guess what I am saying is that you can never truly know a person...at least not until they decide to show you!

[leeleemom]

I think some of it might have to do with finding yourselves. I mean you get married at 20, you don't know who you are, what you want out of life where you want to go with your life. At 30 you have better plans or ideas and you realize that person you married at 20 was not mr right rather he was mr right now. I think divorce is soooo easy and there is very little stigma now a days that its almost expected to happen at least once in your life. I was always the odd ball in school because my parents were still married. It's strange. My hubby was married at 21, seperated at 22. In his case it was cheating. He caught his wife in their bed with another man. There are a million reasons why people divorce. I think its just times have changed and we change with them. Lets go back to the times were you got a divorce and you were disowned by the community, family church etc. See what happens with the stats..I heard that the divirce rate is over 50% for first marriages, and second marriages are even higher rates... I think people carry too much baggage into the second marriges from the first one and that might be a reason for mor failed marriages. I don't know just thinking out loud.. :)

You know what misunderstood I think you are right when you say that people carry baggage to there new relationships!!

[melissaanne]

I think it's more sociably acceptable these days. Like you said every time you turn around you hear of another couple getting divorced, it's not frowned upon anymore ( unless it's against your religion or something)

It's so easy to get divorced (if both parties can agree and afford it, I'm not saying every divorce is easy, just wanted to clear that up. No I haven't gone through a divorce and don't know all the details, so pls don't rip me apart for saying that!) Let's get married and if it doesn't work we can get a divorce. I don't think the sanction of marriage is respected any more. I don't think ppl really understand what kind of binding contract it is. It doesn't mean anything anymore. They don't think long term, just in the moment.

I think alot of ppl think they need to get married b/c everyone else is. Classic keeping up with the Jones'. I know 2 of my close friends have recently gotten married and it has put a bug in my ear.....But I know I am no where near ready to get married.

My cousin rushed into a marriage and had been married for 1 year in july and is getting a divorce. She is 22. Married and Divorced before the age of 23...couldn't imagine. He is a cheating ***** so ya know what can you do.

[leeleemom]

I am not going to get into the details of why my marriage failed but I did try for a long time to make it work. But I realized the person I was with was not for me and that I really did not love him anymore. He was not nice to me and was very accusing and hateful towards me for years. I was scared to leave. I was scared to be a single mother. I was worried what I would do financially but I knew to keep my sanity I had to. My children deserved better. It was a very difficult Breakup. He made it very hard on me and would not leave me alone. It was a scary time but it was the best decision I have ever made. No regrets!

[FutureChief88]

I did know who he pretended to be. He was not the person I thought! I did not rush myself at all! We went out for 7 years before we got married and were married for 7 before I ended it. I guess what I am saying is that you can never truly know a person...at least not until they decide to show you!

Ur right leeleemom.. i would say rushing would be 1 year meeting, dating, then marriage.. Thats rushing.. Not 7 years! You only know what the other person decides to show you, so yes you knew him as well as you could. Its not your fault because he turned out to be someone else. You NEVER really know if you know someone or not.. even if you were married for 50 years..

I think people rush in and rush out nowadays.. and yes the sanction of marriage does not exist anymore. i think people dont respect on another.. and most marriages occur because they think the other one is attractive or maybe they might be nice.. or they make money, when they are not sure what the real emotion of love is. Now, i am just saying some.. not all..
and in some situatios.. i think people just give us to easily. My BF and i broke up.. but i had given up.. because we got together when i was 16.. we grew up together.. and i grew out of him! or so i thought. I took some time to get to know me.. and i realized that i am more in love with him than i ever was before.
Reltaionships take work.. doesnt matter who you are.. more than some for others.. and i think people just give up too easy..

Generally speaking.

[leeleemom]

Well put!

[JustWatching]

Well I think this bit about not knowing people is sightly nuts....you tell me when you will know someone?

Are you the same at 10 as you are at 20? No
Are you the same at 20 as you are at 30? No
Are you the same at 30 as you are at 40? No
Are you the same at 40 as you are at 50? No

And sooooooo on.....you are ever changing I believe....so waiting until you know someone completely is probably going to leave you alone forever or changing men/women about every 10yrs as I see it....

I think the key reasons a marriage works is communication/openness - people changing together...not apart....accepting your partners (maybe) new likes...trying new things together....falling into a rut but never staying there. Let's face it people...sex is a big issue....you need to be open and understanding of new things the other person may want to try or talk about. (Some people probably won't agree with this) - Faith/God helps make things/life easier....there is so little of it now (Faith)....that it's not surprising the divorce rate is at close to 60%.

Marriages don't work on 50/50...they work on 100/100

Of course you could always wait and see if the law they're trying to pass in a State in the USA comes up this way....Marriages are renewable....every 10yrs...you choose to renew...or not. Kinda like buying a house now a days*L*

[mizunderstood]

totally agree with u futurechef unfortunatly people just don't try to make things work we live in a disposable world, money, garbage, relationships.. its horrible..

[mizunderstood]

Hey I like the renewable marriage idea IN THEORY... Many people renew their vows every so often go for it!

[Lady_Athena]

It may be a pattern. If your parents are divorced your thoughts on marriage are probably going to be different than a child who grew up in a home where the parents remained together. I am not placing fault or blame. I think it is just human nature.

Things that used to be taboo are not anymore, there is more information and women are less isolated. A woman is more apt to leave over adultery or abuse than in the past too I think. Think of the stigma divorce would have caused so many years ago.

And yes our society promotes quick fixes and self indulgence so I think that has something to do with it.

[karen]

Well I think this bit about not knowing people is sightly nuts....you tell me when you will know someone?

Are you the same at 10 as you are at 20? No
Are you the same at 20 as you are at 30? No
Are you the same at 30 as you are at 40? No
Are you the same at 40 as you are at 50? No

And sooooooo on.....you are ever changing I believe....so waiting until you know someone completely is probably going to leave you alone forever or changing men/women about every 10yrs as I see it....

I think the key reasons a marriage works is communication/openness - people changing together...not apart....accepting your partners (maybe) new likes...trying new things together....falling into a rut but never staying there. Let's face it people...sex is a big issue....you need to be open and understanding of new things the other person may want to try or talk about. (Some people probably won't agree with this) - Faith/God helps make things/life easier....there is so little of it now (Faith)....that it's not surprising the divorce rate is at close to 60%.

Marriages don't work on 50/50...they work on 100/100

Of course you could always wait and see if the law they're trying to pass in a State in the USA comes up this way....Marriages are renewable....every 10yrs...you choose to renew...or not. Kinda like buying a house now a days*L*

Very well said! People change over time! Finances, Intimacy issues, children - they all put a strain on a relationship, as well as other issues as well. When it comes to children, I don't know of any couple that parents the same - there are always difference of opinions as to what should be done or how certian situations should be handled - that's parenting!
As far as renewing your marriage????? I definatley don't agree with that, but that's just (my) one person's opinion. They were actually talking about this on the radio last week and there were some pretty ignorant people speaking on the issue. Just remember, not everyone is in the same situation as you, not every ex spouse is the same - some are cordial, some are even friends but some are just NUTS! And when it comes to the children, if things are working out and you have exhausted your options (i.e. councilling) than it is better to split than to, as this guy on the radio put it "suck it up for the children". How it would benefit the children to constantly hear their parents arguing and fighting is beyond my comprehension.
This is my husband's second marriage and those children from his previous marriage have a more stable home now than they did before

[FutureChief88]

Veryw true.. Because whether there is fighting or not in the home.. if there is no love between the 2 adults.. the children will grow up not knowing what that is. Thinking a normal "love life" and not talking and doing things without each other and whatnot.. becasue thats what their parents did. Children need to hear you say "i love you" and need to watch you hold hands and kiss.. and spend time with one another.. and be happy to be doing so. I would never stay for the children.. because if it ever came down to that situation, the best would be to leave!

[karen]

I love it when the kids see you kissing (nothing too "in depth" LOL) and then the YUCK! follows (from them of course) LOL

[FutureChief88]

That IS the best! .. But they know you love each other! I remember when i was a kid.. seeing it.. it was oo gross! LOL

[t-bone]

[QUOTE=melissaanne;166659]
I think alot of ppl think they need to get married b/c everyone else is. Classic keeping up with the Jones'. QUOTE]

Very good observation Melissaane! I agree. I also agree that people rush into divorce. I actually think that divorce is contagious. Lots of times divorced people will go and on to their married friends about what a great time they are having. They will talk about how great it is to be free, all the new people they are meeting, and how great things are going. They don't talk so much about their money troubles. the lonelyness they may be feeling or how they miss their kids.
A semi unhappy married person could be pursaded that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

[heres2u]

---

[JustWatching]

that with anything in life....the best relationship, job, car, house (you fill in the blank) is always "the one you just left OR the one you are going to"

most people are not just "content" with their life as it is....thus....the grass is always greener (or so they think)

[Mandi]

that with anything in life....the best relationship, job, car, house (you fill in the blank) is always "the one you just left OR the one you are going to"

most people are not just "content" with their life as it is....thus....the grass is always greener (or so they think)

I am absolutely in love with my partner, and our relationship. I can honestly say that I can't imagine myself having the relationship we share with anyone else. And right now, and the majority of the last 6 3/4 years I have felt the same way.


I think that a lot of the reason that the divorce rate has climbed is because some just see it as another thing to do. Most people don't even think of it as a life commitment anymore but instead it's what you do when you're in love. I can't even imagine getting married with the slightest thought that we may divorce in the future. My fiance and I have very very different views on relationships than what is 'normal' but it works fantastically for us, and we have one big happy family.

[FutureChief88]

Thats why is it soooo important to know you.. first..
Its the most important part of life in general.. And you have to help the other person in the relationship find themselves.. especially when you have gotten together at a young age.

[Chinna Dah]

My husband and I met on a blind date, and married 7 weeks later. We have been married almost 9 years, and we just bought our first house. We have our ups and downs, but over all I dont regret getting married that early. I know there were a few bets against us, because as I meet up with people who knew us when we got married, they always ask if we are still married.

My mom got divorsed after 13 years due to physical and mental abuse, she had 3 young kids, but, up and moved out and filed for divorse.

A friend of mine lived in a house where her parents stayed together, he was abusive and a drunk. She is engaged, but has no plans to marry as she is traumatized from her childhood.

So every couple has different circumstances, and different situations.

[Lady_Athena]

My mom and dad were each others first everything. They were together since they were 14, had me at 22 and got married the year I was conceived. They stayed together for 11 years and should have divorced about 4 years into I would say.

My partner kind of pays for this now I think. I get scared one fight is going to throw everything out of whack or one day things may just fall apart no matter how good they seem. These are irrational thoughts and fears I developed from also being traumatized by seeing my parents stay together in a horrible abusive relationship. It was 50/50 they both abused one another. My mom was more physical abusive and my father more verbally. To this day I can not help, but get very upset when a man is yelling or swearing in anger .

I just wanted to share this because I had a terrible home life while my parents were together. By staying together they were just hurting everyone more. The nightmare didn't end there. Since by this point they hated each other with everything they had I was stuck in the middle and used as a messenger and collateral.

[Mandi]

Staying together for the kids is the most idiotic thing (Imo) I can think of in terms of relationships. It teaches them too much of the wrong things. dishonesty being a huge one. That's a great message to send across to young minds. (forgive my anger at the subject, bad experiences I guess)

[Chinna Dah]

Staying together for the kids is the most idiotic thing (Imo) I can think of in terms of relationships. It teaches them too much of the wrong things. dishonesty being a huge one. That's a great message to send across to young minds. (forgive my anger at the subject, bad experiences I guess)

I agree!

[melissaanne]

omg, that is the worst thing in the world!! Can you imagine being the kids and as you get older realze that your parents are only together to make you happy!!

I think as long as both parents are happy together or apart the kids will be happy. All around moral is different when ppl are happy. I would much rather my parents apart and happy then together and miserable.

[heres2u]

---

[pipeman]

all i can say is some of it has to do with the internet

[The_Dave]

Marriage and Divorce are all to convenient these days. The committment is not there like it was years ago. There are also too many temptations that people get mixed up in. Morales are at an all time low. People don't even think twice about having an affair. Most tend to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, not realizing that the other side of the fence comes with baggage also. Also with both spouses in the workforce, this increases chances for infidelity. Workplace affairs are a huge problem for marriages.
I feel the bottom line is don't get married because you think it is the norm, get married because you both want to and be prepared for change and try working through your problems instead of just walking away like most people do today. Also, don't listen to talk show hosts or any of that, follow your heart and brains and in most cases the common sense solution will be there.

[sarahnb]

We live in a society where anything is socially acceptable and everyone demands instant gratification. Instead of working to solve issues, people walk away from them.

[Wayne55]

Did anyone blame it on violent video games yet?.....TV.....the internet no hmmmmm Maryln Manson maybe weed???? None of them well I just named the top 5 scape-goats of the last 10 years or more. So if it ain't one of them me and Micheal Moore don't know!!!


Sorry just had to do that you know how are society now a days likes to blame all are problems on one of those 5 things lately just thought some "expert"(and I use the term losely)would have said it one of there fault.

[Lady_Athena]

I am sorry Wayne, but I am missing your point. So your point is what exactly?:confused:

[Lady_Athena]

Violent Video Games is one of the top ten scape goats of divorce?

[Wayne55]

It's was a joke about how everything gets blamed on something that has nothing to do with it. Its like every problem in the world today is a result of a Violent Video game, To much TV, the Internet, weed or Marylyn Manson, thats all if you don't understand turn on the news watch it for a bit and eventually one of these things will be blamed for a problem they have nothing to do with! I didn't mean a videogame or a bag of weed is an actual cause for a divorce, but mearly saying that there is allways an "expert" somewhere who is willing to give you an exact cause for a problem, even tho most problems can not usually be placed on one thing, but as a society who wants instant everything its easier to blame something or someone for are problems instead of working out most of are problems like a failing marriage we blindly accept almost all stupid and oviously wrong causes and solutions, instead of working are best at soliving the problem in the first place. Which would make you a better and more well adjusted person. Thats all I was saying, but if you don't understand that then I'm sorry but I can't be any clearer.

[Lady_Athena]

Oh okay.:) Well I guess I disagree then. A lot of the points made in this thread are a lot more relevant than blaming a criminally insane child on marilyn manson.

I am not saying you were directing your comments at me, but what I said was just what I have learned through what I lived.

I realize you were joking, but I also would like to point out that I do not think anyone is trying to come across like an expert, in fact a lot of people are sharing real life experiences and I think that if someone has been through what the topic of discussion is then their comments are most definitely more relevant than a random popular culture scape goat.

[trinity]

I think it is too easy these days to chuck it and start over. I don't agree with people who hate each other staying together for the children, what that teaches your kids is that marriage should be miserable, because they can tell if you are faking being happy. I think there are times when people should try to work it out for the kids, staying together is better financially and emotionally, not to mention less stressful. I've never been married; not even close. Well, when I was 17 I had a boyfriend who proposed, but I think that was more because I told him I wouldn't have sex before marriage LOL... and oddly enough, no ring ever materialized even after we graduated and he got a job. We were broken up by the time I was 18. I would be so shocked (and quite possibly speechless) now if a man asked me out, but that's another story. I'd like to think that being single so long I would be smart and pick the right man or that I would be so grateful to have him that I would be willing to work it out, but I don't know.
People today are so in love with their own happiness, being brought up in the "me" generation of the 1980s taught us that WE should take care of ourselves first and always. I have seen 4 marriages break up in the last two years where the parties involved didn't fight, there were no problems, no abuse, no addictions etc- the spouse (2 husbands and 2 wives so it was 50/50) just announced basically they were "all done" , "bored now", and 3/4 gave a moving-out date as if they were giving notice on an apartment. (I don't know about the 4th, I didn't know the wife at all and the husband was a friend's coworker who was at my house for dinner a handful of times.

[JustWatching]

I'm a bit tore on some of the things stated...for example I do agree you learn from your parents (good or bad)....I mean this is your first experience with people....your parents teach you a lot....however I don't agree with this idea that whatever you learn/see/hear from your parents is the end-all be-all ....for example....my father smoked quite a bit....I have never smoked....my brother smokes....dad is still alive and well....so it's not like I watched him die of lung cancer and that's why I don't smoke....I don't hate people who smoke....I don't think it's good for you....and I'm not going to do it....but there is an example....I saw it all my life....I don't feel it affected me (in the sense of taking up smoking or not)

I made a decision not to smoke...simple as that....I'm an adult and that's what adults do....make their own decisions.

So point is....if there is abuse....smoking...drinking....drugs....bad marriage...there is a time when you become an adult and have to take responsibility for yourself....you can't blame beating your wife and kids on your dad. I don't buy that....it's our fault if we continue the cycle as adults.

[Chinna Dah]

Very interesting points there. Well said.

I'm a bit tore on some of the things stated...for example I do agree you learn from your parents (good or bad)....I mean this is your first experience with people....your parents teach you a lot....however I don't agree with this idea that whatever you learn/see/hear from your parents is the end-all be-all ....for example....my father smoked quite a bit....I have never smoked....my brother smokes....dad is still alive and well....so it's not like I watched him die of lung cancer and that's why I don't smoke....I don't hate people who smoke....I don't think it's good for you....and I'm not going to do it....but there is an example....I saw it all my life....I don't feel it affected me (in the sense of taking up smoking or not)

I made a decision not to smoke...simple as that....I'm an adult and that's what adults do....make there own decisions.

So point is....if there is abuse....smoking...drinking....drugs....bad marriage...there is a time when you become an adult and have to take responsibility for yourself....you can't blame beating your wife and kids on your dad. I don't buy that....it's our fault if we continue the cycle as adults.

[Lady_Athena]

I do not think anyone really knows if the chicken comes before the egg. Are bad people born or are they made that way? I do not know the answer, but I do believe substance abuse and mental illness are genetic. I mean I have seen that throughout my family enough to believe it is no coincidence that there is a pattern. I think there is a such thing as an addictive personality. I also believe there are physiological factors which are genetic. Such an a chemical imbalance.

But as I am writing this I also begin to think on the other side of the fence, is there really a genetic link or through the generations have we just been learning how to poorly handle stress and responsibility.

Oh great now I am having existential crisis.

On another note there is also a difference between taking care of yourself and being completely selfish. Too many people in the world think in a black and white sense. All or nothing. That is very unhealthy and is actually something you can learn not to do. People who think this way are also usually really happy or really sad, just normal or in between is not stimulating enough[for those who feel this way]. Also some people can not handle not feeling in control, leaving a relationship is a way to show they do in fact have control over their lives and feelings.

[JustWatching]

I also believe there are physiological factors which are genetic. Such an a chemical imbalance.

But as I am writing this I also begin to think on the other side of the fence, is there really a genetic link or through the generations have we just been learning how to poorly handle stress and responsibility.

Oh great now I am having existential crisis.



I feel you've hit the nail on the head....I do agree that a chemical imbalance or mental illness may change the situation completely....perhaps you are more prone to following your parents footsteps if one of those factors are involved (not sure).

I'm simply speaking of the average person....not mentally ill (in any way)...I truely believe they should/could/need to make their own decisions....don't try to blame it on what you saw 30yrs ago.

Yes I totally....completely...agree with your statement of it being a "learned" behaviour....for example (different story but same idea)....Welfare....we see two...three...four generations of families on welfare....they learn that....some CHOOSE to change it...to make a better life for themselves...there is not a genetic link to Abuse....anymore than their is to Welfare.

[jdcb]

I know people who went into their marriage saying to friends "if I don't like him anymore, i'll just divorce him..."

[The_Dave]

Oh okay.:) Well I guess I disagree then. A lot of the points made in this thread are a lot more relevant than blaming a criminally insane child on marilyn manson.

I am not saying you were directing your comments at me, but what I said was just what I have learned through what I lived.

I realize you were joking, but I also would like to point out that I do not think anyone is trying to come across like an expert, in fact a lot of people are sharing real life experiences and I think that if someone has been through what the topic of discussion is then their comments are most definitely more relevant than a random popular culture scape goat.

He was completely joking. He was not referring to you in any way. It was a sacastic joke about how society in general looks to wherever to place blame, instead of the logical place.

[The_Dave]

I'm a bit tore on some of the things stated...for example I do agree you learn from your parents (good or bad)....I mean this is your first experience with people....your parents teach you a lot....however I don't agree with this idea that whatever you learn/see/hear from your parents is the end-all be-all ....for example....my father smoked quite a bit....I have never smoked....my brother smokes....dad is still alive and well....so it's not like I watched him die of lung cancer and that's why I don't smoke....I don't hate people who smoke....I don't think it's good for you....and I'm not going to do it....but there is an example....I saw it all my life....I don't feel it affected me (in the sense of taking up smoking or not)

I made a decision not to smoke...simple as that....I'm an adult and that's what adults do....make their own decisions.

So point is....if there is abuse....smoking...drinking....drugs....bad marriage...there is a time when you become an adult and have to take responsibility for yourself....you can't blame beating your wife and kids on your dad. I don't buy that....it's our fault if we continue the cycle as adults.

I couldn't agree more. People choose/chose to do things.

[dan j]

*skipped thread

First mistake, believing trends and situations shown on Oprah or Dr. Phil are trends throughout the population. Those shows count on people to buy into these stories just like a soap opera. Turn off Oprah, turn off Dr. Phil!

[The_Dave]

*skipped thread

First mistake, believing trends and situations shown on Oprah or Dr. Phil are trends throughout the population. Those shows count on people to buy into these stories just like a soap opera. Turn off Oprah, turn off Dr. Phil!

But dan j, whatever would people do? How would they know how to make the right decisions or live their lives or read the right book??? etc, etc, etc.

[trinity]

I guess what has mostly horrified me with these failed marriages is that in at least 3 of the cases, the other spouse had no thoughts of separation and the leaving was not the movie style storming out after a fight, it was cold-bloodedly carried out by essentially giving their spouse notice that the marriage was over, and then continuing to live in the home until it was convenient to get an apartment, a moving truck etc, thereby in some way giving the other spouse somewhat false hope that the marriage might be saved, when it was NOT possible.